Today begins the depressive downswing of my moods.
the darkness starts today.
I can’t sleep. All i want to do is listen to classical and cut my wrists. And think about bleeding out in the tub.
soaking in my blood until my unsuspecting boyfriend comes home. Hopefully before I bleed to death.
I just want to sleep.
I also want to drink. I want to take more drugs. I want to fuck.
I also want to die.
Well, die may not be the proper term.
More like, slip into a peaceful coma until I no longer wish for the means to an end.
Until I no longer wonder what it would be like if I “accidentally” stepped in front of that car speeding toward me.
Pain is the only thing that I feel t hat I have control of in my life.
Thus, the reason for the self infliction.
If I can control my suffering, that I at least have a handle on something in my life.
Because lord knows, that I cannot control myself in the other aspects. At. All.
I actively seek out attention from men who I know may not be good for me.
Meanwhile, I lay down next to a man who loves me with all of my flaws. But, I cannot seem to accept that this is good enough.
Do I want more, or do I want choices?
Am I longing for that carnal desire, that passion, that feeling t hat you get when someone literally cannot keep their hands off of you. Or is it as simple as, I am not capable of being monogamous?
Do I go about seeking attention and love from men whom I cannot have, because I cannot love myself?
Does this feeling of self loathing and inadequacy stem from childhood events, where I was nothing more than a sexual object?
Do I view self worth as the number of men who want to fuck me?
Do I only feel desirable after I am told that I am?